The girls will be meeting us in half an hour. You ready, Roth?
YEA!!! LET'S DO THIS!!!
Take it down a notch. Tonight is date night. So no Game-Day Roth, okay? Let's not have another incident like the last time when you scared that poor girl to death. Be nice. Be friendly.
OH MAN! OKAY! OKAY!
Okay... I'm all set.
ME TOO!!! LET'S DO THIS!!!
Continue reading "Greg Camarillo and Matt Roth Go on a Blind Double-Date" »
(Yelling at the top of his lungs)
HEY DUDES!!!
HOW THE FUCK IS EVERYBODY???!!
HUH?!??!
WELL, I’M JUST HERE TO TELL YOU THE TREMENDOUSLY POSITIVE, FREE-OF-PROBABLE-FUTURE-HEALTH-AND-MENTAL-NEGATIVE-RAMIFICATIONS EFFECT THAT TAKING STEROIDS HAS PRODUCED IN ME.
SEE THAT PICTURE UP THERE??!?!?! WHAT?!?!?!
WELL, CAN YOU, YOU FUCK?!?!
YES?! OH! COOL! WELL, THAT’S MY TEAM PICTURE TAKEN EARLIER THIS YEAR. AT THE TIME, EVERYONE CALLED ME ‘T-REX’ IN THE LOCKER ROOM SINCE I WAS RATHER FEVERISH AND TENACIOUS YET MY FREAKISHLY-SHORT ARMS ONLY CAUSED MY TEAMMATES TO ERUPT IN LAUGHTER NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRIED PLAY AFTER PLAY IN PRACTICE AND GAMES.
THEN I DID A FEW CYCLES OF SOMETHING CALLED ‘DEPO-TESTOSTERONE CYPIONATE’ AND I FEEL FUCKIN’ GREAT!! DID YOU SEE THOSE 5 TACKLES I POSTED ON SUNDAY?!?!?! THREE OF THOSE WERE FOR A LOSS AND I EVEN HAD A SACK!!! AT LAST, I WAS A PLAYMAKER!!!
EVERYBODY SAYS I LOOK CERTIFIABLY INSANE IN PICTURES FROM SUNDAY’S GAME BUT I DON’T FUCKING SEE IT! SEE FOR YOURSELF, ASSHOLE:
Continue reading "Hi. I'm Matt Roth and I'm Making Roid Ragin' Plays For You!" »
mumblemumblemumblemumble...I'm a genius....mumblemumblemumble...the greatest most percipient football mind of our times...mumble...
Well, fuck me with a baltine hammer.
This could hurt me. mumble....
--
-The DUDE
Hi there Fins Nation.
Come on, tell them.
Ahem. Hi there Fins Nation. I just wanted to...
Come on! Tell them!
I'm trying to.
Well, get on with it, twat-face!
Continue reading "Cam Cameron and His Penis Would Like to Wish FN a Happy Crappiversary" »
Ooooooooh, I looooooove birthdays!!! I can’t wait to have a Mai-Tai and some chocolate covered strrawberrieeess!!!!
That’s how men celebrate, right?
/licks lips
Anyway, happy birthday, FinsNation!!! You dirty little tease. YOU SKANK.
/giggles then lands a limp-wristed slap at you
You’re getting too old for me!!! I only date YOUNGER sitesssss.
/laughs like Rupaul
OH. MY. GOD. Did you see me at the Hall of Fame Game??? Have you seen my arms since I was on Dancing With The Starrthzzzzz??? I feel so sssexy.
/rubs both naked biceps with opposite hands
Well, DUDE, if you want me to give you a little striptease later in honor of the birthday of your site thingy, call me ok??? I'll even bring a very special friend and we can have a three-boy private party!!! Oohhh! I can't wait!!!
Don’t get all jealous because I’m a HOT Indian warrior now. I’m burning with rage and desire and I’m all out for blood. LOOK AT ME!!!
AYE, PAPI!!!
/giggles like your first girlfriend
-DRK
When I first heard somebody was making fun of my 'uge calves, k, I was like "Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who's the slimy little contrarian shit on de intergoogles who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh? The fairy fucking godmother said it. Well dats just out-fucking-standing." Den I took out my frustrations on the players and ran dem til they all fucking died. Don't piss me off, k. Because at the end of the day, I'll run my players til their assholes are sucking buttermilk.
So needless to say, k, when I find dis "Dude," I'm gonna gouge out his eyeballs and skull fuck him til the sun comes up, k.
Ya hear me, Dude? Mr. Fucking Comedian? You think yer so funny and clever, do ya? Bullshit. It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your momma's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress! Dats what I think, k. At the end of the day.
I'll bet you're the kinda guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around. So me and my 'uge calves would like you to have a five dollar foot-long dick sub, on us.
Oh, and happy anniversary and all that shit, you twinkle-toed cocksucker, k.
At the end of the day.
Sup. Steve Fifita here to tell you how you can become an NFL Pro Bowler. I've never been there myself, but take it from me. I know. And knowing is half the battle 'n shit. First, eat a lot of honey glazed hams. Not so much because they help you become a better football player in as much as they're just delicious. Then, run 5.15 seconds in the 40 yard dash. That's most likely due to the ham so don't worry about it. Nothing a good long shit can't take care of. Then, sign with the Miami Dolphins as an undrafted free agent. Then, get waived. Eat more ham. Try out with another NFL team like the Vikings or some shit. It doesn't matter because the Dolphins will re-sign you anyway. Re-sign with the Dolphins. Play up to your most mediocre standards as possible. Hey, you're a Miami Dolphin, so it's cool. Get waived again the following off-season. Then, sign with the Patriots six days later. Bingo. You're on your way to the Pro Bowl, bitches! And that's how you get to be a Pro Bowler in ten easy steps. Don't forget the part about the honey glazed ham. That's key. That and playing for the Dolphins and then going straight to the Patriots afterwards. But it's mostly about the ham, in my opinion.
"The Dolphins spent the past two weeks finalizing a draft board. Ireland and Parcells met daily, sometimes several times daily, to discuss players and strategies with the goal of doing what is best for the team while also avoiding disagreements during the draft. 'He brings a great history of players that he has drafted, guys he's seen have success and, like the question was asked, `How much do you draw from your misses and your hits?' Well, he's had some misses and a lot of hits in his time so you draw from those experiences,' Ireland said."
You smell that? Do you smell that? Draft day, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of a good lateral movement and forty-time in the morning. You know, one time we had a kid named Lawrence Taylor, for twelve years. He led us to two Super Bowl championships. When it was all over I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink body. The smell, you know, that prospect smell, the whole draft. Smells like … victory.
How’re you feeling, Jeffy?
Like a mean motherfucker, sir!
Alright, Smiley. What you got?
What do ya mean coach?
Your ass is bigger than usual today. And if there's one thing I know, it's big asses.
Oh that. Meh. I just been putting gravy on my porkchops lately. That's all. Really.
Let's go Smiley. Out with it!
:sigh: Fine.
What the hell? That motherfucker's pullin stuff outta his ass!
A Triple-A Card?
In case I go for a ride with Channing Crowder.
Christ. What else you got up there? C'mon!
Alright... alright....
I went fishing over the weekend.
And?
And I caught a rainbow trout.
With these guys.
-Hot damn, son! It's hotter than dog shit on a skillet up in there!
-You said it, Bo. Darker than a coal miner's lunch box, too!
What else, Smiley. C'mon.
:gasp!: Oh sweet Jesus! I couldn't breathe in there!
What the hell, Smiley?
He kept bothering me, asking if I knew where the team prayer meetings were. So I grabbed him and said, "I got your prayer meeting right here!" I was gonna give him right back. Honest.
What else you got?
That's it, coach. I swear.
Say, uh, sorry to interrupt, Mr. Parcells. You know if anyone's seen Samkon Gado lately?
Gado? I thought we cut him, Jeff.
No, sir. He was supposed to report today to restructure his contract. But no one has seen or heard from him in like a week.
SMILE--Y!!
Oh yea. Sorry. Forgot.
This is not cool, my fiends! I am not to like being lodged inside a man's anus! It is not cool in the very least! I am to leave now! I am to leave and never come back! Merry New Year!
What?
You remember that semi-retarded guy? Mike Mularkey? He used to be offensive coordinator round here?
Yes. I know him. He is, how you say? A dumb fuck. Yes?
I wouldn’t go so far as to call the brotha a dumb fuck. He’s slow. What’s the poor muthafucka gonna do? He’s semi-retarded.
Well…word round the water cooler is he’s now our offensive coordinator again.
Why is this happening?
Mularkey caught Coach Cam giving Mrs. Mularkey a foot massage. So now Mularkey's our OC. It’s a damn shame for Coach Cam. He’s just beggin to get fired now.
It is great shame. But you play with matches, you get burn.
What? Man I think Mularkey waayyy over-reacted here. It was a foot massage!
I think Coach Cam should know better to give Mrs. Mularkey foot massage. You should not touch another man’s woman like this. It is not same as eating her beaver. But it is same ballpark.
Man giving a guy’s wife a foot massage and stickin yer tongue in the holiest of holies ain’t in the same fuckin ballpark. It ain't the same league. It ain’t even the same sport.
You ever give foot massage?
What?! Don’t be telling me about foot massages! I’m the foot fuckin master!
Would you give a man foot massage?
Man, fuck you.
