Today Crap Happened? No Shit!

In hindsight, I guess I should have expected this. Everything was in place for a Dolphins win. And by that I mean the day was ripe for yet another ball-crushing, soul-sucking loss. The crowd was rocking. The Jets fans silenced. Joey Porter had just intercepted a batted ball and ran it back to the New York 30-yard line. All across the stadium, the feeling was palpable. This was it! This was going to be the day we finally took the proverbial monkey off our backs and punted it off a building. This was the day we would finally get that elusive victory.

So what happened, you ask?

Cam Cameron. Cam Cameron happened.

With the Jets on their heals after that huge turnover and the home crowd in a frenzy, our What The Fuck? moment we as a fan base have come to expect on a weekly basis suddenly hit us like a sock full of pennies. Cameron called three straight running plays up the middle. Cam Cameron: Lover of Families, Murderer of Momentum. There it was. The Hobbit Straight Outta Da Mutha Fuckin Shire, with his bad ankle and his insatiable love of corndogs, was stuffed for a one-yard loss on his third straight run. And we knew it. We just knew this game would end in another loss. It was still early. There was still a whole three and a half quarters left to play. Yet, we all knew it. A sense of numbness took over the crowd. As if the concessions had spiked our Budweisers and popcorn with Novocain.

Usually teams score on the Jets more than some random dude with Lindsey Lohan at a rehab facility. Not the Dolphins. They managed a whopping 6 points against the 30th ranked defense in the NFL. Six. Motherlovin. Points.

But this was supposed to be the week we got to see John Beck open things up and play his best game of the season. After suffering through miserable weather conditions in Philadelphia and Pittsburgh, where Beck was slicing open Tauntans with his lightsaber and shoving his arms into their carcasses to keep his hands warm before every snap, we figured a home game in sunny Miami was just what he needed. Instead, the Jets defense flung Beck around like they were in the gold medal round of a dwarf-tossing tournament. The result was six total turnovers by the rookie quarterback. And his worst game yet.

In the end, it was just a full-bodied beat down to the tune of 40 damn points. During the 4th quarter, I almost expected the Jets players to jump into the stands to give us each a personal fist up the ass. Because, really, that's pretty much all that was left for them to do at that point.

During the post-game interview, Beck offered up this analysis:

"Crap's going to happen. And today crap happened."

Oh sweet mother of crap! You know what I would like from John Beck? I mean, besides a fucking touchdown drive or two. I would like him to say “shit.” Just once.  It would make me feel better. Or “fuck.” That would be fantastic. Just sayin.

So … 0-12, twelve straight quarters without an offensive touchdown and being served a heaping slice of shit-pie every week. Sound like fun? Because that’s the life of a Miami Dolphins fan. And it's not going to get any better for a long, long time. 0-16, here we come.

Now someone, please, shove a lit stick of dynamite down my pants.

Comments

[vman]

That was truley a miserable loss.
There were so many fuck ups, I'm not even going to try and list them all. here are a few....

What happened to the O-line?

Our Receivers and tight ends, as a group, suck. (alligator arms, no blocking, dropped balls, etc.)

Running backs?

Playcalling.(we really need to consider a OC. Dude you should offer to step in. That way when CC calls his third running play in a row you can punch him in the nuts.)

No second half defense again. (not that the turnovers helped.)

Those are just my top five.
Fuck me we suck.

Can't we just forfeit the rest of the games, take our number one pick and go into hiding till april? PLEASE!!
I don't think I can watch anymore after yesterday.

[rojowill]

I'm with vman. 4 more weeks of this brutal shit? I don't think I'll last.

Please make the pain go away. Or make Cam go away. Either one works for me right now.

[Glenn from BC]

Do you realize Chris Chambers still leads the team in yards receiving? God our receivers are terrible - top to bottom. The play calling atrocious. The defense horrible. This was supposed to be the one game we were supposed to win. Instead we got our asses handed to us. The eyes of the entire NFL are on us to see if we're actually going to go 0-16 and we shall not disappoint them.

[Coral Gables Dave]

FUCK. I'M AT A LOSS FOR WORDS. SO ALL I CAN SAY IS FUCK. UNLIKE JOHN BECK. I SAY FUCK. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK. AND THAT'S THE EXTENT OF MY ANALYSIS TODAY.

FUCK.

[vman]

This may not ease the pain but here is the MASH unit short list:

Mike Rosenthal/T - IR - Shoulder
Drew Mormino/C - IR - Shoulder
Yeremiah Bell/S - IR - Achilles
Chase Page/DT - IR - Shoulder
Trent Green/QB - IR - Concussion
Ronnie Brown/RB - IR - Knee
Renaldo Hill/S - IR - Knee
Travares Tillman/S - IR -Knee
Abraham Wright/LB - IR - Knee
Ricky Williams/RB - IR - Chest

That's just the IR guys.....

Zach Thomas/LB - Out -Migraine
Should be IR at this point.

Chis Chambers - Traded

Cam should be searching the parking lot before the game for players (or Family Members).

[Brian]

You're right Dude. I'm sick of Cameron too.

I'm sick of him throwing interceptions. Sick of him fumbling. Not making blocks. Dropping passes. Missing tackles.

We got 3 points out of the three straight runs correct? He throws it once out of those three times and we probably come away with nothing and they come away with a turnover.

I'm not saying he's the best coach ever. He's made some bad calls throughout the year. As first year coaches are prone to do. But of all the people on that team I give him the least blame.

[The Dude]

Brian, don't mistake this post with a Fire Cameron rant. I'm calling everyone out here. Cam, the offensive line, the offense, the defense, the receivers, everyone. Top to bottom. They're all to blame. And all I said was that on that particular situation, 3 straight runs to a hobbled career backup running back in the opponent's 30 was stupid. A fireable offense? That's up for debate. But at that moment, it was stupid. I'm not saying take a shot deep or even go shot gun. But give me something -- a slant, a dump off, something. Not three straight runs to an injured Hobbit. Contrast that play-calling with the Jets: direct snaps to RBs, shots down field, etc. They have an equally inept offense, an equally inexperienced QB and they had their share of turnovers. But the play calling was at least ballsy and creative.

[Brian]

You know what, I'm not done ranting. No offense to anyone in particular, but you know who I'm sick of?

Not Cam. Not the players. Not Wayne. I'm sick of fucking Dolphin fans. As a whole they collectively suck ass. Yesterday was a good chance to win because it was a home game? Half the crowd, if not more, were Jet fans. WHERE'S THE FUCKING HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE.

Instead of demanding that this team be rebuilt years ago the fans always thought we were one player away from being a Super Bowl team. Delusional assholes.

First it was Ricky. Then Culpepper. Feeley was in there somewhere. Griese. Booker. Traylor. Porter.

You know why New England and Pittsburgh are consistently good. They draft young players for the future, not overpay for old men. And part of the reason we've done that in my opinion is to appease the fans who thought we were right there.

The one constant throught the years is shitty fans who bitch and complain and pray for the next Marino.

WHAT THE FUCK DID MARINO EVER WIN?

One AFC Championship game. ONE. He's even with Kordell Stewart.

This team should have been torn down and rebuilt years ago. Taylor, trade him. Zach, trade him and if no one wants him then cut him. Booker needs to go as well. Same with Traylor and Shelton. Let's rid ourselves of this culture of losing.

But what needs to change more than anything is the attitude of our fans. And for the most part the people who write and comment on this blog are the good ones. I'm not ripping you guys or the Dude.

But this wasn't a home game. It was basically a neutral site. And no one is to blame for that but OUR FANS.

Sorry for that, I needed to get it off my chest.

[The Dude]

Brian, I absolutely 100% agree with you on everything you just said.

Except the part about Marino. I'm afraid I'm going to have to fight you for that.

[Brigadier Pudding]

This hurts. Fuck me sideways.

[Brigadier Pudding]

I just want to go on record and say I'm on the Fire CC bandwagon. That performance was the clincher. You can't use the "Dolphins have no talent, it's all Wanny and Saban's fault blah blah blah" meme because the Jets are fucking TERRIBLE. Just AWFUL. LSU has more talent than the fucking Jets. Kellen Fucking Clemens is a mutt and he looked like an fucking All-Pro against us.

Fuck Cameron. He's Norv Turner minus the acne scars.

[JD]

If Cam is fired, Wayne will have no choice to practically offer partial ownership in this team to the next head coach. What well respected coach (especially the Parcells and Cowher's of the world) is going to come out of retirement to try to restore dignity to this team full of asshats?

Sad thing is with our cap situation lookin nice next year and money to spend, free agents will come here simply for the money, so that is good news. The bad news is we will have to overpay everyone to come to this team.

No more enticing free agents with Joe's Stone Crabs.

[Brigadier Pudding]

Logical thinking tells me the right move is to give Cam and Mueller another year. Perhaps fire a few assistant coaches.

I'm not in a logical place right now, though.

[JerryD]

Hey Cam!!!

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.

"Poor thing" is a very average coach, in his rookie year, in a bad situation ... & in WAY OVER HIS HEAD.

C'mon Phins!!! Cheers, JerryD

P.S. Please help me hang the nick name "O-Fer" on Wayne Hire-Zingers. We have to make him responsible & that's the only way I can think to do it.

[Lady Phin]

For those of you just joining us...welcome to the official site of the NFL ('Nother Fucking Loss)...

Here you'll find witty analysis, shit-talking and a common sense approach to some of the woes for the Miami Dolphins!

Be sure to tip your waitress and bartender...

LP

[Tom in Nashville]

We are playing tighter than a virgins knees at porn star convention, and WHY? It's not like our usual December swoon where we are fighting to not lose a playoff birth. We haven't won shit and won't win shit so long as we continue to play figgity and tense.

If Cam is 1/2 the offensive "genius" as many made him out to be, why is L. Booker (one of the fastest players on the team) just NOW getting on the field? Why aren't we using his shifty 5'-10"" frame as the 3rd WR in the slot? (See also: Reggie Bush)

Again, we have nothing to lose but another game, so why are we just NOW starting to use exotic blitzes, a la CB blitzing of Will Allen?

And why in the hell are we EVER going with 3 straight fruitless runs for nothing? Is Cam related to Dave Wanndstedt? WTF?! The punter shouldn't even dress each week. Why not an onside kick after the funble return for a TD?

IF YOU WANT TO WIN A GAME - ANY GAME - THEN DO ANY AND EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO GET A LEAD AND STAND ON THE THROATS OF THE OPPOSING TEAM!!

(since that doesn't seem possible with Cam at the helm, I hope for our sake he resigns before years end)

~Disgruntled Fins Fan

[Vman]

Add Cameron Worrell to the list...
Torn ACL. This team needs a Frickin Exorcist.

[RJ]

Worrell is hurt too? Oh dear God, he was bad enough as it was out there at safety, but now they need to find a replacement for him?

[nonee moose]

Not to make excuses. But many here keep alluding to the fact that the team has been decimated by injuries. And for that reason we have had to fill our roster with, arguably, the 1,696th thru 1,709th best players available. (I oversimplify, of course, by not including every other team's injury/replacements, but see the point?)

Our talent was questionable going into the season. Having to take on talent that otherwise wouldn't make a roster in the league only makes it worse. Its a vicious cycle.

I agree the playcalling should have become more aggressive sooner in the season. Somewhere around 0-7. But aggressive plays, high risk/reward plays, place more stress on personnel and the need for the highest level of talent to carry them out. That type of gameplan is overwhelmingly odd-off to begin with, even moreso with eroded talent. In short, more aggressive gameplanning + poorer talent = uglier results. I'm not defending the three straight runs up the gut, mind you. I'm just not convinced it would have made a difference, except for the fan psyche. I know it hurts, but if that is ever a priority to a team on the field (as opposed to a FO), I think that's wrong.

What's left? A slow vodka drip, and Dark Side of the Moon.

[finfan1]

Great points Nonee... I think we just want to see some more creative calls since we're 0-12 and we're in a what the hell do we have to lose mindset. We're not playing for a playoff spot. And The Dude made the point that at least the Jets were aggressive in their play-calling and they're devoid in talent themselves (not as much as we of course).

But your points are also on target.

We need great players. Come one 2008 DRAFT!!!!