National Crisis: Joey Porter is trash talking the Browns.

DATELINE CLEVELAND OHIO -- Regular FN readers know that I have a well placed source* who has told me Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter was abducted by the North Korean government and replaced with a life-like android. Unfortunately for Porter, this likely means he's being held in a dark, dank cell while mindless gimps throw slices of uncooked bacon at his face continuously throughout the day. Unfortunately for us fans, it means that since it's a Korean android, it knows very little -- if anything at all -- about American Football. In other words, it's playing like shit. Other than that, it is an almost perfect duplicate.

No doubt the Korean scientists abducted Porter from some Atlantic City casino, took his 20 million dollar contract, and hastily put together the android. My source says that he has taped evidence of two Korean scientists speaking as they snuck the android into the Miami Dolphins' facilities in Davie, just before 2AM on March 7th of this year: 

Scientist #1: Have you seen this thing play football back in the lab? It sucks. They'll never believe it for a second.
Scientist #2: Don't sweat it. He's a Miami Dolphin now. He'll blend right in.
Scientist #1: Oh. Right.

My source says the tapes have been confiscated. He didn't say by whom.

Well, now, the android is beginning to speak. And by speak, I mean it's spewing some form of pre-programmed trash-talk -- just like the real Joey Porter used to do -- as evidenced by his recent remarks about Cleveland tight end Kellen Winslow.

Cleveland, as you may know, will be Miami's opponent this week. Trash talking works wonders when your team is a playoff contender. But pretty much sounds like the inane ramblings of a mindless idiot when your team is 0-5. The Korean scientists failed to program a kill-switch if just such an event occurred, prompting one Korean official to say, off the record: "We knew the Dolphins would suck. But no one saw this coming. Sheee-it. I mean, c'mon! They traded for Trent Green!" Said another official, "I have Chris Chambers on my fantasy team. The Dolphins will be just fine. What's that? They're 0-5??? Fuck this government's world news filtering and oppression of information! I thought we were still in the pre-season! Well, at least I have Larry Johnson and Reggie Bush on my roster to soften the blow. WHAT??? Ah shit monkeys!" (ed. note: the second official has since gone missing. We assume he moved to an undisclosed location to avoid paying any lingering debts he had in Vegas. Or, he probably moved to avoid his friends in that fantasy league giving him shit about his team. Or, he was assassinated by his government).

Needless to say, we just might have an international crisis on our hands. But we believe that Kellen Winslow will do what's proper and sacrifice himself for his country. He is, after all, admittedly, a Fucking Soldier.

So it's up to Winslow to lay down this week. Take a dive. And let the Korean android Joey Porter have his way with him. So far as we can tell, Winslow is well on his way. Asked to comment on Porter's trash talk, Winslow replied: "I think Joey Porter needs a hug. He's so angry, man."

What kind of pussy response is that, you ask? It's the kind that American heroes like Kellen Winslow make when they're about to take one for their country. Otherwise, it's really, really shitty trash talking. Seriously, "needs a hug?" Who the fuck is Winslow channeling? Timothy Leary? (ed. note: perhaps these two?)

No, no, no, my friends. That response was done with a cool and purposeful mind. Winslow is getting ready to take a dive.

Crisis averted.

Now someone please, send a Navy SEAL team over there and bring back the real Joey Porter.

()

*Bob Woodward's source was known as "Deep Throat." My source is known as "Imaginary Friend Induced By Large Amounts of Alcoholic Beverages Consumed due to the Shit Show Known as the Miami Dolphins"

 

Comments

[marv albert's hair piece]

Between the Porter android, the Ted Ginn Family, and the possibility of Trent Green returning to complete the damage being done to his brains, we've got ourselves a hell of a football team, don't we?

[Glenn from BC]

Forget bringing back the real Porter. We need to send the SEALS to recover that ridiculous $20 million the Phins gave him!

[Coral Gables Dave]

Know what’s sad? I have the same exact fantasy team as that one Korean official. L.J., Bush, Chambers. Fuck me.

[dolfinosteel]

It's showtime for Cleo Lemon. If he is worth being mentioned as a true quarterback in the NFL, his time to shine is this week. He will give the Miami Dolphins hope for a .500 season or he will speed up the process of putting John Beck into the starting position. They say Cleo Lemon has a strong arm and is mobile. He needs to showcase his mobility more this week so that it will help him find receivers or run for first downs. Failing to do this will prove that we need to find a solid veteran quarterback for next year to backup John Beck.

[vman]

Damn Dude....I think there is a NFL network Mini-series in there somewhere. Who can we get to play the part of Joey?

[rojowill]

Seriously, Porter needs to quit the bullshit and play. Or did we pay a shit load of money to a guy who’s all talk? This explains why he had his entourage beat up that Bengals offensive lineman in Vegas while he did all the talking. He expected to come in here and have Zach and JT do the work while he ran his mouth. What a tired act.

[NYdolfan84]

[Or did we pay a shit load of money to a guy who’s all talk?]

Unfortunately I think the answer is yes. I wasn't in love with the signing, but I thought it would be at least a decent upgrade. He has had zero impact. He had a great game against us to open last season and he parlayed that into a huge deal. When he says "Winslow won't stop me from doing what I'm doing" I would respond "what exactly do you do Joey?" The Muel had an awful offseason.

[Brian]

I agree. I think a lot of the Porter signing had to do with "attitude". They wanted someone to fire up the troops. Unfortunately, we don't have enough talent to make attitude worthwhile.

[Dat RoRo Kid]

This is probably my favorite piece you've written.

[DOLPHINandBCEAGLEfan]

Hey lets hope that when we have a shot at Matty Ryan or should I say Matty Heisman we don't pass him up for some kick returner.

[Glenn from BC]

Dolphin BC Fan, I really like Matt Ryan.

This is why getting Beck into games as soon as possible will help us decide if we should go after some one like Ryan.

[Aaron from Pittsburgh]

Just have to let you dolphin fans know our nickname for Joey Porter in Pittsburgh was "Captain Invisible" No one and I mean no one could disappear better than Joey. That being said we would not have won Super Bowl 40 without him and his playoff success but 20 mill?? Believe me we all laughed at that signing........

[rojowill]

Aaron's comment depresses me. But I guess it ain't the first -- or the last -- time we're the laughing stock of the league.

Captain Invisible is a perfect name. As is The Korean Android. What a fucking waste.