It's the 4th of July. Our Independence Day. America's Birthday. The day our founding fathers told the British Empire to eat a dick. It's also a day to drink beer, eat some barbecue, and set off fireworks. A shitload of fireworks.
I'll be celebrating with a grill, some brews and a few friends myself. So have fun, don't drink and drive and try not to blow a off a finger.
Happy 4th of July, Nation!
Have a great weekend. See you Monday.
I know what you're thinking.
"Where you at, Dude? This shit ain't gonna write itself, cockface!"
Well, maybe just my mother is thinking that. Still. Sorry for the lack of posting. Still working on the new-look FinsNation and all. Also, The Dudette decided to buy herself some furniture and picked out the heaviest fucking pieces she could find in the store. And then had me carry it. Just me. Never mind that she has a brother and like 15 million cousins who could lend a hand. Nah, I'll do just fine.
Anyway, as per usual nothing much happening with the Fins. Here's a piece on Jeff Ireland being a bad-ass about the whole rookie-salary cap thing. And Joey Porter promises not to suck anymore. What else can one do but take a guy who's been shot in the ass once at his word? Here's to the real J-Peezey showing up this season.
I promise the new site will be up as soon as possible. Then we can get back to the madness. Until then, there's a hernia operation with my name all over it waiting for me. Moving heavy furniture in 98 degree weather is its own special brand of awesome.
Thanks for your patience.
The following is an actual e-mail exchange between me (The Dude) and FinsNation star commenter Dat Ro Ro Kid (DRK) yesterday afternoon:
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DRK: I read this and it makes me very, very angry.
DUDE: Yea, I saw that. It's so awesome being a Dolphins fan.
DRK: I think you could seriously put the monkeys from 'Project X' to run the front office with buttons on a giant console representing certain drafts picks and free agents and we'd be way better off than we are right now.
DUDE: The Josh McCown era starts soon!
DRK: (throws up in pants)
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...And scene.
I'll just end this by once gain reiterating that we all hope Cam Cameron and Randy Mueller both have themselves a rectal accident. Like falling ass-first onto a hammer or a cactus, respectively.
Why you no post Dude?
Four reasons:
A. Work. Interestingly, like most humans, I use water to drink and bathe in, also I have an AC to keep running (to avoid the swamp ass) and a child to feed. So, I have work. Lots and lots of work. Too much work, actually. I'm trying to clear the table of all my work so I can get back to serving humanity with blogging about the Miami Dolphins. Anyway, yea, work. Work sucks.
B. New is slow. Absolutely the worst time for all Dolphins and football fans alike. Nothing going on. Nothing. Training camps can't start soon enough. C'mon dickbags. Do something. Give us something interesting to blog about. What's wrong with you assholes? Don't you have ineffectual fights you can start? Strippers to accidentally kill? Drugs to take? Dudes, South Beach is just a few miles down the road. Hit 95 South to 395-Beaches and you're there in twenty. There's a shitload of trouble you can get into there. Nightclubs and trannies galore! The best you can do is pull a gun on some dude outside a fucking Bed, Bath & Beyond? Jesus, you can't even do NFL-thuggery properly? Pathetic.
C. July 4th is coming. And in keeping with my annual 4th of July weekend tradition, I'm shaving my balls to honor two of our Founding Fathers. At least one of them will be Ben Franklin this year. So it will take time to get it just right. You understand.
D. Site Reboot. Look for some major changes to happen with FinsNation in the coming weeks. Nothing huge, but something concerning the ever expanding and evolving nature of FN. So that's something else I gotta deal with. Busy, busy, busy.....
Anyway, I'll try and get all my work done soon, so we can get back to talking about which has-been injury-prone player Parcells is having his guys take a look at next.
The video you see above is the suddenly famous Wii Fit Hula Hoop girl. The thing about this video is that it was posted like three weeks ago and has already gotten over 4 million views. Recently, it was revealed that the girl in the video is Lauren Bernat of Miami, Florida.
So with that information in tow, I will now spend the entire weekend on a quest to find Lauren and her gorgeous ass. With only my cunning and my penis to guide me. Wish me luck.
I leave you with a link dump:
This week's winner is the always consistent rojowill from the RIP George Carlin post:
And yet Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia continue to live....
rojowill has the kind of job that allows him to sit and read blogs and websites all day long. He's a Renaissance man, living the dream.
One more time. Just for the record.
The Dolphins have announced their training camp dates. There are a lot of them.
And you can bet your sweet ass that I'll be at as many of these as I possibly can*.
Melting in the SoFla sun, drenching myself in a shitload of sunscreen, and having a bout of dehydration or two along the way. All so I can report to you about how Phillip Merling is attacking the tackling dummy with gusto. And so I, like everyone else who reports on these things, can tell you how our offense is coming right along and boost all our expectations to such unreasonable levels that we'll all want an umbrella shoved up our asses, and then opened, once the regular season starts after we remember and realize just how shitty our boys are when they actually play live games against other teams. Hey, it's what I'm here for. It's gonna be great!
Anyway, here's the training camp schedule:
*Translation: One.
It's June 25th. Training camp is a whole month away, which means until we trade Jason Taylor or Bill Parcells' head explodes or Will Allen pulls a knife on a guy outside a Linens & Things, news will be slow. (Unless you want me to post news about how Parcells nicknamed one of his guys "General Hospital." That Parcells. Funny and topical!)
Today, my man Omar from the Sun-Sentinel lists a few lingering issues that need to be addressed by the Fins before camp. He lists the obvious, like settling the Jason Taylor situation and making sure guys like Ronnie Brown get and stay healthy.
But here's what I think is the most important point he makes:
Come up with a plan for how all four quarterbacks are going to begin camp getting equal reps, and equal opportunities, and then have a contingency for when SOMEONE begins to separate themselves. A quarterback's timing with his receiver is important, and continuing this carousel for too long could set the offense back for the early portion of the regular season. More than likely Josh McCown, John Beck and Chad Henne will each get an opportunity to start this year in the regular season (unless the Dolphins are world beaters), but don't punish the receivers by constantly churning them in and out.
Although Omar continues to shout random words at us (SOMEONE!!!!), he makes an excellent point. Far be it for any of us to tell Tuna and His Boys how to run a football team, but we Dolphins fans are a bit jaded, shell-shocked and a tad jittery about sensitive matters like having a good offense and a full-time franchise quarterback.
Our receivers suck. Plain and simple. Despite what reports are saying that guys like Derek Hagan and David Kirkus are making good strides and impressing the coaches, at the end of the day, they're still, well, Derek Hagan and David Kirkus. So cohesiveness will be key. The Fins need to pick a QB and run with him. Unless all three are so close in their development that they truly can't choose. If that's the case, then, we're pretty much fucked, I think.
As of right now, my bloggy-senses tell me Josh McCown has a slight edge over John Beck. That could -- and should -- change come next month. But that's what I think.
Josh McCown. Jesus did I just write that? Wow. Just jam my nuts into a waffle iron right now and get it over with.
Because nothing makes the day go by faster than a good dump...
--CBS Sportsline has a nice piece on John Beck and his Mormonite powers coming to fruition as our future franchise quarterback. Beck has a lot of work to do, in my opinion. He's not a Parcells guy and I think Tuna has Chad Henne in his sights as the team's long-term answer. It seems to me, scouring through the interwebs, that Phinsider's Matty and I are Beck's biggest cheerleaders in the Dolphins blogosphere. I think he's the best option among the three we have. However, my concerns from last season remain: his age (he'll be 27 when the season starts), his size (he's a small 6-2) and his delivery point (batted balls everywhere!). Reports say he's working on it with the coaching staff, but he seems to be more accurate when he's on roll outs. This tells me he's having trouble, or is uncomfortable, getting the ball over the offensive and defensive lines. Still, he is the Mormon and we must never doubt he of the magical underwear!
--Will Allen keeps getting into trouble. First, he pulls a gun on a guy at a Bed Bath & Beyond. Now he's being sued for 200 grand by his former agent after an NFL Players Association arbitrator agreed Allen defaulted on an promise to pay outstanding fees stemming from a contract he signed with the Dolphins in March 2006. Tom Condon of CAA is Allen's former agent. Allen is now represented by Drew Rosenhaus. So there's really only one way to settle this: A good old fashioned NFL Agent Douche Off!
--Apparently, Joey Porter has his own football camp! Among the 10 Fins players that lent a helping hand this year: Jason Allen and Will Allen. Courses included: Get Shot in the Ass and Still Play For A Super Bowl Winning Defense; How To Train Your Dogs To Kill A Small Horse; How To Effectively Sucker Punch A Guy & Then Hide Behind Your Posse; and How To Bilk Teams Out of Millions and Play Like Shit Anyway. Also included: How To Be A Top 20 NFL Draft Bust & Still Collect Your Mothafuckin Money! and Gambling 101, both classes taught by Jason Allen and Will Allen respectively. Still, good to see J-Peezey giving back to the community. The kids are our future, after all.
--Hey, come read my crap on the Miami Heat and Thursday's NBA Draft at Miami New Times all this week. Come by, leave me a comment and tell me how awesome I am. Make me look good for the boss.
